The Gargantuan Hand that Pulled me from the Depths of the Mindhole

 

 

It’s a while since I last wrote a blog or interacted fully on social media. A mixture of reasons, one being; me feeling that my content has no worth, that my day to day happenings are not worthwhile sharing. Which is a weird feeling that comes from self-doubt, lack of confidence and low self-esteem, those feelings come from a multitude of reasons, some I have control of, others I don’t. Its definitely been a weird few weeks, inside my mind and my surroundings outside. It’s not until quite recently that I’ve felt genuine confidence in myself as a person and this music and its meaning.

Busking always seems to be the ‘cure-all’ a ‘greater restoration‘, this act, has been keeping my head above water (both figuratively and literally – rain has been frequent). Everything has felt like waves, up and down, and as I got heavy I sank far below the surface. Then yesterday 23rd January 2020 ( 😮 2020! Happy New Year! ), felt like a gargantuan hand reaching in the water and pulling me to shore. Following quite a rough evening of family-related problems, with a lack of sleep, I woke early and felt drawn to busk in Hereford. It was a bizarre mix of encounters that seemed pre-composed, someone/thing had planned it all out. Bumping into someone I met only a couple times, (Dan Jaye, a musician from Manchester) we had breakfast in his new ‘Retro/Vintage/Assortments of Wonder/Cafe/Music Studio’ shop, catching up I felt it necessary to only choose the good things that have happened and ignore the bad that I was feeling – that process helped my mind massively, focusing on the good of it all. Dan also busked and traveled when he was my age, with his experience he spoke a lot of incredibly advisable things, that snapped my mind out of negative into positive. Like, “f**k yeah, this music has a story and it’s got to go through every chapter word by word, just get through each emotion and keep going, this is okay. You’re lucky to have a) been born, b) found something which you love and you’re good at! We’ve got this and we can’t stop!” – internal dialogue speaking. This taught me to; take the time to catch up with yourself inside yourself, go through each emotion, each happening and divide the good and bad, learn from the bad and understand it, then go to the good and sit in that and enjoy that, because there is a whole lotta good out there/in here. 

Whilst busking that day, like every day of busking there are people who stay, watch and converse and it’s nice to connect with them, music like a key, opening a door to a conversation between two humans. A line of four people, all from different places, all with different lives, watched for the entirety of a song and applauded so loudly. They got quite hyped, a woman said she heard the music subtly from the distance and had to follow it, she said it’s music that uplifted her and music that this world needs. A couple said they were amazed by the technical side and the composition itself, said I need to be playing to crowds, be on TV and share it with more people. — See I haven’t felt like sharing much recently, although I’m on the streets playing, I feel like the soundtrack to the streets rather than a performer, like why would anyone want to come to a show and watch a whole set of this? Why should I be filmed and put on TV? Which comes from the lack of confidence in oneself, I still feel that I’m just the soundtrack to the streets and the concept of being on stage playing a show to a crowd, passes me by and I’ve kind of forgotten about even pursuing that. I sit and I write these words and feel that it’s not worth writing because it’s not worth reading, but then I think, I don’t actually care if anybody reads this, but I find a sense of relief writing these words and this somewhat diary entry is part of a greater journey that I can look back on for my own growth and learn from this moment, this timeframe. — That moment on the streets of Hereford outside M&S, playing for this small group of people who were really emotionally connected with music, along with the meeting with Dan, gave this feeling of worth. A feeling I haven’t allowed myself to feel, but it was like this day was a showcase of my reason why. “Here, let me show you why you need to keep your head up and keep going, this is why you need to keep doing that which you love and put your attention on expanding, growing, exploring” – said the gargantuan hand that pulled me from the depths of the mindhole.

Multiple interactions with people on Hereford highstreet kept uplifting me. People said very relatable things to what I was feeling, “you can’t stop, you gotta keep going. This is amazing, I’d give you money but I have none” one voice said.

It’s bizarre, I feel all sorts of weird right now.

The day ended with conversations with family members, that healed up previous happenings. A message via Instagram that detailed the impact it had on their day in Hereford. Then a couple of beers and a chinwag with one of my closest friends Ollie – check out his music – check out our music. A monologue of encouragement from Ollie completely shaped my focus to; growth as a person, growth in music, aiding on the difficulties of family members. I mean I don’t know what else to say, because I feel weird, but I feel determined and really set on a good path.

Now I don’t know if this holds any value to you, but if it does, then I just hope you to find a way out of the darkness inside and towards the light. Because there is light there, there’s so much light!

Here’s an amazing song;

Here’s a video from a recent busking session in Stroud;

Here are some inspirational words that have helped me many of times;

Here’s to you and all your wonder 🙂

With love,

James

 

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